i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
