What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
