I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
