thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
