Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
