I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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