Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
