I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
