Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
