Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
