Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
