Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
