I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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