Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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