I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
