Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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