I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
