I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
