cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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