my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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