It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
