Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
