I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
