I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
