I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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