So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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