she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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