At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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