This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
