i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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