I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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