i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
