I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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