you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
