My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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