people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
