We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
