Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
