I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
