A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
