Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
