apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
