Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
