what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
