he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
