dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
