I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
