Plan B is the new Plan A
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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