don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
