Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
