Soap is not a condiment
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Randomize
