if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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