I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
