i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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